I guess time passes really quickly nowadays. I am several months to turning a half century old. Two things, I didn’t expect to reach this age because of what happened 15 years ago. And what happened several years after. Secondly, I never imagined what 50 would be like. I thought of it like everyone else as an age that someone reaches. Maybe part of the problem is that I don’t know if I ever reached my potential. I always thought of myself as someone who would be successful. I was smart enough and had the potential to do great things but I can only blame myself on this regard. The potential that never was.
I started blogging a year ago but never really continued. But as I checked my twitter account, there it was, a link to this wordpress blog. I guess the gap between this blog and the previous one shows my whole life gone awry. I have had my minor successes but I can look to my lack of work ethic as my main hindrance. I was there but never really quite there. I tried hard but gave up. A symptom of my easily giving up could be seen on how I perceive a result that happened more than 30 years ago.
As with most high school students, I took the ACT test, something required to get accepted to a great college that everyone wanted to attend. I wanted to go to Engineering school in University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana where my brother was finishing his degree and working. In order to get accepted to this prestigious Engineering program (for Illinois that was affordable), I needed to get my ACT scores at a minimum of 29 or better). My first attempt, I took the test, I got a 26, my strengths were math and of course my weakness was the English part. Needing a higher score, I took it again, a little shift between the English and Math scores but again a 26. I was in the top 10 percent of my class (ranked 9 out of several hundred), I needed the better score for acceptance to UIUC Eng. I took it a third time, and the score – 26. Truly asymptomatic of what was to become of me. I would have highs and lows but ultimately, I averaged out.
I am not doing that badly, I had made a lot of bad and still making them financial decisions. My family life has been fine with a partner of 25 years only surpassed by my older brother. I finally got married too, something that I don’t think I would ever do being gay.
As I reach 50, I become worried that I have not prepared myself for the things to come. The ultimate challenge of overcoming my shortcomings and truly being happy totally without regret. I make my own decisions and my own mistakes but I can’t seem to right the ship to the level I am truly happy.
I hope that 50 makes me suddenly realize that my happiness is not a number but a smile that comes after knowing that whatever happens in the future, my life was still worth it.