Almost a year

I guess time passes really quickly nowadays. I am several months to turning a half century old. Two things, I didn’t expect to reach this age because of what happened 15 years ago. And what happened several years after. Secondly, I never imagined what 50 would be like. I thought of it like everyone else as an age that someone reaches. Maybe part of the problem is that I don’t know if I ever reached my potential. I always thought of myself as someone who would be successful. I was smart enough and had the potential to do great things but I can only blame myself on this regard. The potential that never was.

I started blogging a year ago but never really continued. But as I checked my twitter account, there it was, a link to this wordpress blog. I guess the gap between this blog and the previous one shows my whole life gone awry. I have had my minor successes but I can look to my lack of work ethic as my main hindrance. I was there but never really quite there. I tried hard but gave up. A symptom of my easily giving up could be seen on how I perceive a result that happened more than 30 years ago.

As with most high school students, I took the ACT test, something required to get accepted to a great college that everyone wanted to attend. I wanted to go to Engineering school in University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana where my brother was finishing his degree and working. In order to get accepted to this prestigious Engineering program (for Illinois that was affordable), I needed to get my ACT scores at a minimum of 29 or better). My first attempt, I took the test, I got a 26, my strengths were math and of course my weakness was the English part. Needing a higher score, I took it again, a little shift between the English and Math scores but again a 26. I was in the top 10 percent of my class (ranked 9 out of several hundred), I needed the better score for acceptance to UIUC Eng. I took it a third time, and the score – 26. Truly asymptomatic of what was to become of me. I would have highs and lows but ultimately, I averaged out.

I am not doing that badly, I had made a lot of bad and still making them financial decisions. My family life has been fine with a partner of 25 years only surpassed by my older brother. I finally got married too, something that I don’t think I would ever do being gay.

As I reach 50, I become worried that I have not prepared myself for the things to come. The ultimate challenge of overcoming my shortcomings and truly being happy totally without regret. I make my own decisions and my own mistakes but I can’t seem to right the ship to the level I am truly happy.

I hope that 50 makes me suddenly realize that my happiness is not a number but a smile that comes after knowing that whatever happens in the future, my life was still worth it.

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2013

I need to get used to doing this. I started the first one in Sept 2012 and has not returned until now. I sometimes feel I go on an endless loop of anxiety, happiness and sadness. My partner and I just celebrated 25 years since we first met. Funny we recall very little of those first several years except where we lived and possibly small incidents. Christmas celebration with friends in our coach house rental in Evanston. My bowling trips/vacations. Our move together from 2 bdrm coach house to 1 bdrm hi rise apt. Memories seem to gather when you least expect them.

I don’t know how to really continue writing when I know I don’t have the talent for it. I just read someone’s essays and find them fascinating. He seems to have a good way to write but I see that he does it sparingly. I guess the distance between each essays allow him to write better and with more clarity or feeling.

Future is sometimes hard to determine. You want to plan but things often get in the way. Your health, your desire and sometimes you just think, I don’t really have it (yes it, money). I reach 50 this year and was hoping to go somewhere but our mutual friend has already planned a trip for him and Brian ( my partner). Sure its a one week cruise towards Mexico but I still feel that why am I not even in this conversation. I guess having an 8 year old dog that we have not left alone in years have something to do with it. We can’t seem to decide on how to leave him with others or strangers. He is a completely different topic. Hopefully in future posts.

Beginnings or Endings. Today is the beginning of my blog on everything I might think of. I have decided to start these to possibly document things I will forget in the future. It started when I awoke today feeling down. Not badly but because I had just a bad nightmare. I know this comes from reading articles that stick to your mind and your gut. Well this one stuck me into a nightmare. I read the correlation between diabetes and possible developing Alzheimer’s earlier than normal. I guess this is more of a health warning. Back to the dream/nightmare. I dreamt that I was out for lunch with friends and needed to finish off and get back to work. As I left, I saw a co-worker with a person I didn’t know. As I try to recall if I knew who she was with, my friends started dispersing and headed back to their own workplace. I did the same. Except in my trying to return, I become lost in a very unfamiliar place. Nothing seemed familiar. Then I was about to cross the street but found out I couldn’t cross and would need to board a bus/trolley to get to the other side. The bus/trolley turns around to the other side. So if that wasn’t weird, after I get off and start walking the street, again unfamiliarity and not knowing where to go or where I was. I go into a jewelry store, possibly to ask for directions but never do. As I walk out and start trying to get oriented, I notice I had two other watches on my wrist. It had price tags on it so I know I must have taken them from the store. Then I woke up. Was this the beginning of the end. Will my memories start to fade away and even my short term memory go. I know it was only a dream but I felt it this morning. I felt that fear that I haven’t really had in a long time. Loneliness of being lost and fear of forgetting.

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